REALNESS

BEING AUTHENTIC IN THE AGE OF PERFORMANCE 

BEING AUTHENTIC WHILE YOU PERFORM

BEING AUTHENTIC TO YOURSELF

THE STRUGGLE OF AUTHENTICITY

REALNESS:

MY FIRST EVER ARTICLE WAS ABOUT THE VIRAL ARTIST PARKER HIPPE AND HIS ARTWORK THAT’S VERY INSPIRED BY BASQUIAT. AT THE TIME, A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE SENDING HATE TOWARDS HIM BECAUSE HE WAS A ‘BASQUIAT CLONE,’ AND IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT WHAT WE ACKNOWLEDGE AS INDIVIDUALITY AND WHAT IS PERFORMANCE OR STOLEN. I RAGGED ON HIM IN MY ARTICLE AND SUGGESTED ALL OF HIS WORK SHOULD BE KEPT IN A JOURNAL AND HE SHOULDN’T TRY AND PROFIT OFF THE LATE, HEROIN ADDICTED, TORTURED, GRAFFITI ARTIST. THAT ITS OKAY TO MAKE ART LIKE THAT BUT KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. BUT I THINK I WAS TOO HARSH ON HIM. I THINK WRITERS SHOULD STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE THEY ADMIRE ANYWAY. BANKSY HAS THAT PIECE TOO THAT SAYS ‘GREAT ARTISTS STEAL.’ THAT HE ETCHES HIS NAME ON AS PART OF THE COMMENTARY. TO BE FAIR, I HATE BANKSY, WAY MORE STRONGLY THAN I FEEL ANY WAY ABOUT ARTIST HIPPE. BUT I GUESS THE MAIN FEELING IS THAT THEY’RE BOTH INAUTHENTIC. BUT MY REAL POINT WAS REALLY ABOUT WHAT WE (THE COLLECTIVE WE) CONSIDER TO BE AUTHENTIC…WHAT CAN WE STEAL…WHAT CAN’T WE…AND WHO CAN DO WHAT… BUT I DIDN’T REALLY GET TO THAT POINT IN THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE  AND IT IS A SHAME. 

PARKER HIPPE WAS VERY NICE ABOUT IT AND SAID HE MAKES HIS ART FOR OPINIONS TO BE MADE. THAT WAS REAL OF HIM.

I JUST LEARNED THE PHONETIC ALPHABET SO I CAN BE BETTER AT MY JOB WHEN I ANSWER THE PHONE. A AS IN ALPHA. B AS IN BRAVO. C AS IN CHARLIE. D AS IN DELTA. E AS IN ECHO. AND SO ON… I ALSO JUST WROTE A JOURNAL ENTRY FOR MYSELF THAT I CAN NEVER SHARE. I USUALLY PERFORM FOR MYSELF IN MY OWN PRIVATE SPACE  TOO, AND IT WAS A CHALLENGE NOT TO. DO YOU ALSO LIE TO YOURSELF? 

IT WAS TERRIBLY PAINFUL TO SPEAK HONESTLY WITH MYSELF AND NOT MAKE A WAY TO DISTANCE MYSELF FROM WHAT I SAY. I’LL PROBABLY DIE WITH ALL THAT SHAME. IT WAS AWFUL! I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN. ECHOING THAT… I HATE TELLING THE REAL PAINFUL TRUTH! TO MYSELF AT LEAST…

F AS IN FOXTROT. G AS IN GOLF. H AS IN HOTEL. THE LAST TIME I STAYED AT A HOTEL I BECAME A GEESE FAN. THEY’RE ALSO KNOWN FOR THEIR PERFORMATIVENESS, OR AT LEAST A PERFORMATIVE FAN BASE. BUT CAMERON WINTER HAS THAT AMAZINGLY SEXY DEEP VOICE THAT SCREAMS SO WELL EVEN WHEN HE REALLY HAS TO TRY TO SOUND THAT RASPY AND SAD. SO IS IT INAUTHENTIC OR NOT? IF IT’S REALLY GOOD, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? DO YOU LIKE PEOPLE EVEN IF THEY AREN’T REAL? 

WELL, ANYWAY, I WAS NAPPING AND I WAS IN AND OUT OF SLEEP WHILE LISTENING TO THESE SONGS BY GEESE WHEN I WASN’T REALLY FAMILIAR YET AND IT MADE ME SO DEPRESSED AND I STARTED WEEPING A LITTLE WHEN I HEARD HIM GROWL ABOUT THE SUN AND MOON COLLIDING AND MAKING LOVE IN THE END TIMES.  THE EPISODES OF DEPRESSION MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I REALLY CAN SAY SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HOW MUCH I SOBBED WRITING MY PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY. MY EYES WERE PUFFY FOR DAYZ.  I NOTICE PEOPLE REALLY THINK THAT MISERY IS INTELLIGENCE. PAIN HAS DEPTH AND EVEN LOVE POEMS AND LOVE SONGS ALWAYS HAVE MISERY IN THEM. EVEN IF ITS A HYPOTHETICAL KIND. LIKE ONE DAY LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE. THAT IS ALWAYS CLOUDING THE ROSE TINT OF THE GLASSES.

I AS IN INDIA. J AS IN JULIETTE. K AS IN KILO. L AS IN LIMA. M AS IN MIKE. OR M AS IN MAX. OR MANUFACTURED? (NEAR ANTONYM OF AUTHENTIC…) 

SO IN THIS PIECE ITSELF , I WRITE IT ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS AND WITH  A REAL FREE FLOWING VOICE OF MY THOUGHTS TO MAKE MYSELF SEEM CRAZIER OR MORE TORTURED BUT REALLY I’M FINE AND ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY. BUT I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THAT. SMART PEOPLE ARE CRITICAL. THE OLD ACHES BECOME NEW AGAIN. (STOLEN LINE)

MORE ON THE ALPHABET: N AS IN NOVEMBER. O AS IN OSCAR. P AS IN PAPA. Q AS IN QUEBEC. MY DAD JUST BECAME A CANADIAN CITIZEN! HOW PERFECT IS THIS TIMING OF LEARNING THE ALPHABET! P AS IN PERFECT. Q AS IN QUESTION EVERYTHING. I THINK WE HAVE THAT DOWN. I GUESS PEOPLE ASSOCIATE CRITICISM WITH INTELLIGENCE (OR AT LEAST BELIEVE THAT BEING CRITICAL IS IMPORTANT TO BE SMART) BECAUSE TO BE CRITICAL YOU HAVE TO ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS. AND ASKING QUESTIONS DOES MAKE YOU SMARTER. IT SEEMS SO SIMPLE WHAT I’M WRITING AND SAYING. BUT THIS IS THE CLEAREST WAY TO DO IT. SHOULD I CONVOLUTE IT?

I always felt discomfort in academic settings considering the impenetrable candor of my peers. I assiduously partook in discourse in the classroom and I admit, my alternative style of speak could debase the discussions we had. Self righteously, I would make a myriad of protestations against my colleagues and professors. I found the academic panels gratuitous and contrived. I wasn’t optimistic for mine and others’ success. I held the assumption that the dense manner in which the lessons were held would make the unimportant parts of writing and speaking the most salient. I always thought that the cynicism towards positivity was hindering the true success of the other academics. 

ANALYSIS CAN ONLY TAKE YOU SO FAR. BUT LET’S FLESH IT OUT SOME MORE. (YOU’RE COMING WITH ME!)

R AS IN ROMEO. S AS IN SIERRA. T AS IN TANGO. U AS IN UNIFORM. MY (AND THE INTERNET’S) MAIN CRITICISM OF PARKER HIPPE WAS THAT THERE WAS A LACK OF TRUE CREATIVITY, TRUE ORIGINALITY IN HIS WORK. LIKE HE WAS JUST A CHEAP COPY OF BASQUIAT’S GROUND BREAKING WORK. LOOKING BACK, AND CONSIDERING WHAT I KNOW NOW, I THINK THAT THE CRITICISM IS REALLY THAT HE JUST DOESN’T SUFFER ENOUGH. THAT SUFFERING MAKES ART MORE VALID AND SUFFERABLE. ITS WHY PEOPLE HATE MODERN SOULLESS ART OR NEPO BABIES , BECAUSE THEIR LACK OF PAIN MAKES THEM LESS AUTHENTIC. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THE RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO THINK OF IT BUT THIS WHOLE PROCESS REPEATS ITSELF. PEOPLE LIKE THEIR PAIN MORE THAN THEY LIKE THEIR PLEASURE. AT LEAST ARTISTS. AT LEAST SOME. AT LEAST ME? I COULD BE PROJECTING THIS WHOLE TIME. IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER NOW. “PRIVILEGED  KIDS PUTTING ON THE UNIFORM OF SUFFERING TO MAKE THEIR ART DEEPER .” V AS IN VICTOR(Y!).

I’M A PRIVILEGED KID (ADULT NOW…) AND I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. DOES MISERY STILL LOVE ME?

W AS IN WHISKEY. I ALWAYS LIKE TO GET DRUNK WHEN I WRITE. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE WHAT I’M SAYING IS MORE TRUE. IT’S REALLY KIND OF STUPID. 

I REMEMBER BEING STONE COLD SOBER IN THIS SHOWER THAT HAD TWO SHOWER HEADS AND HEATED FLOORS. I HAD MY HEART REALLY CRUSHED AND I STARTED TO CRY SOFTLY AND THEN LOUDLY WHILE I WASHED MYSELF NEXT TO THE WINDOW. IT WAS A REALLY PENETRATING SADNESS LIKE I HAD TO CRY SO MUCH AND HAVE MY HEAD POUND AND PUNISHED. I SAT ON THE WARM FLOOR FOR A WHILE AND BIT MY HAND WHEN I CRIED TOO LOUD. I DRANK ALL NIGHT AFTER THAT AND WOKE UP WITH MY  FACE SO BLOATED. 

X AS IN X-RAY. THAT IS A PERFECT METAPHOR FOR TRANSPARENCY AND LOOKING UNDER THE SKIN AND MUSCLE OF THE WORDS. TO THE  BONE. 

BUT BEING SO AFFECTED, AS I AM, I CAN BE BROUGHT TO TEARS OUT OF PLEASURE AND KINDNESS, WITH EVEN MORE PHYSICALITY.

I DON’T HAVE A GOOD EXAMPLE…

Y AS IN YANKEE. ALL OVER ROME WAS PAINTED – YANKEE GO HOME!

SO I DIGRESS. I don’t know how to win the battle between the two desires on my shoulders. One whispering at me to paint an intimate impression. I like to leave little splashes of light barely touching the brain. Erotic maybe, pleasureful definitely. And the other desire barks into my head that I need to claw deeper and deeper into what I want to say. But nail a one sided mirror over the opening. Make it the readers’ problem. Figure it OUT! Clawing, nailing, snarling. Leaving a cut with a scar, much more noticeable than a light touch. Maybe.

I DON’T THINK I AM TRULY AUTHENTIC YET.

I don’t think I’m that real. So who am I to judge the Basquiat clones? 

Z AS IN ZULU. ‘HONEY CHECK IT OUT YOU GOT ME MESMERAIZED. WITH YOUR BLACK HAIR AND YOUR FAT ASS THIGHS. STREET POETRY IS MY EVERY DAY, BUT YO I GOTTA STOP WHEN YOU TROT MY WAY.  I LIKE EM BROWN, PUERTO RICAN, AND HAITIAN. NAME IS PHIFE DAWG FROM THE ZULU NATION!’ 

RELAX YOURSELF GIRL PLEASE SETTLE DOWN,

RELAX YOURSELF GIRL PLEASE SETTLE DOWN,

RELAX YOURSELF GIRL PLEASE SETTLE DOWN,

RELAX YOURSELF GIRL PLEASE SETTLE DOWN,

…….

GRACE